Everyone Dies
by Kinomiya
Summary: “Everyone dies,” are the words he spoke, and I knew instantly what my next ones needed to be. They were 3 simple words, 8 letters long, all with one meaning. Kai/Ray. Warning: Mentions of self harm and attempted suicide. One-shot. R&R please.


A/N- Hey guys, this is kinda angsty, there is mention of self harm and attempted suicide, but it's sweet none the less. Enjoy!

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'Everyone dies,' that's a concept I just can't seem to get my head around. We are born, we live a meaningless life, and then we die. Meaningless, that is all that life is, and that is all that we can be.

I know you might be thinking that I'm being very cynical about life, but I have reasons for the thoughts currently going through my mind, reasons that I'm sure you're not interested in. Meaningless, worthless, failure, nothing. All words that I've heard come out of his mouth at some point or another as he sits on the floor with blood spilling from his open wounds.

What am I to do? What is there that I could possibly say in order to take his pain away? Should I tell him that he's beautiful with his perfect creamy skin and his gorgeous crimson eyes? How could I speak about such things when it's that perfect skin that bleeds with imperfections and those crimson eyes that hold so much hatred for the world? I can't.

This has been going on for quite some time, and I've never mentioned anything to anyone, not even to the person who holds my heart and is the reason for why I silently cry myself to sleep, after listening to him torture himself, both verbally and physically.

We've been teammates for 3 years now, and living in the same residence for the past year. We've always shared a room, even when we were travelling around and staying in hotels. Sometimes I think he knows that I know, but is too ashamed to come out and ask me. I guess he figures that if I really knew I would say something to someone.

You're probably wondering why I haven't said anything to anyone. I sometimes ask myself that question too. I guess it's because he never seems like he wants to die, it's more like he's just punishing himself for something he doesn't deserve to be punished for. Or maybe I just don't say anything because I'm a coward? No, I don't think it's either of those reasons. The reason I don't tell anybody what he is doing to himself is because of my love for him. I know that saying something would be the right thing to do, but I couldn't bring myself to be the one to hurt his pride. I couldn't be the person who exposed his secret to the world. I honestly wish someone else could find him doing that to himself, but I know they never will, he would never let anybody else get close enough to even have a chance of discovering him in his broken state.

It's always the same when he's doing it. I wake up to the tiny intrusion of light coming from the crack of the bathroom door that has been left open. Even if he had kept the light off, his words are enough to wake me up. It breaks my heart every time I hear him put himself down, tell himself that he's worthless and will never amount to anything. It's like he's in a conversation with another person, he's so serious and cold about it, there's no sound of remorse or a scared child trying to escape. And then everything changes. Then I hear the razor that he always likes to use drop to the floor and the crying begins.

I've watched it before, my amber eyes peering through the slightly ajar door as the razor drops to the cold floor and he slumps forward, his body racked with sobs. I want to just run to him and take him in my arms, whispering soothing words, but I don't do anything other than watch to make sure he will be alright. I watch until he calms himself down and stands up before beginning the process of wrapping each new wound. When I am sure that he will be fine and isn't about to pass out from the loss of blood I silently head back to my bed, tears streaming down my face. Now you see why there is nothing that I can say.

He is the most prideful person I have ever met. Sometimes I feel like he leaves the door open so that way he can make sure I know what he's doing. In some way I think it's his silent plea for help, that he wants me to come save him. But I never do, I never do anything, maybe it's about time that I man up and let him know that I'll always be here for him. I'll always be here if he needs someone to talk to, someone to help him fight away the demons that eat at him and cause him to hurt himself.

I honestly don't think he would accept me though. Late at night is the only time I ever see the real Kai Hiwatari, the Kai who doesn't belong to the world. To everyone else he's perfect. He's the strong silent type who has withstood hell and came out on top. He went through endless years of torture and abuse caused by his own flesh and blood and he still walked away without any visible damage. To the world he is a hero, an inspiration, an idol. He walks through the streets and people part for him the way the sea parted for Moses, he has people following him around begging for autographs and pictures, yet he just keeps on walking.

He's a legend. Nobody could go through the things he went through and still be as solid and stable as him. If only those cameras that follow him around during the day could see this side of him. The side that shows just how human he really is, the side that shows he needs help and didn't come out of his time spent in the Abbey unharmed.

"Everyone dies." These are the words I currently hear him whisper as I once again stand by the open bathroom door, watching my love mutilate his beautiful body. He seems to think that what he is doing is okay since he will eventually end up dead either way.

The air around me is starting to get tense as I hear him continue to whisper about his soon to be death. There's something different about the way he is talking this time, I can't hear any traces of the cold hearted man he comes off as when putting himself down, this time I can only hear the self loathing as he mumbles good things about the Bladebreakers and the boys he considers his brothers, the Demolition Boys. I can't make out what he's saying, but I know that there's something wrong.

I watch as the blood pools around him and he sits there with a lifeless look in his eyes, just staring at it, there are no tears this time. I can feel the panic welling up inside of me, he isn't wrapping his wounds and the amount of blood is quickly beginning to double.

I wait for all of another ten seconds before rushing into the bathroom, my heart breaking as he glances up at me. His mask is finally gone and I can see everything he always tried to hide from the world. I feel as if I'm looking into his soul and I can see all the pain and suffering he had to endure during his upbringing and it terrifies me. Kai isn't fooling around anymore.

Maybe I waited too long? I never thought he wanted to actually end his life, I thought he just wanted to make sure he could still feel the pain to prove to himself that he was more human than the tabloids and his lifestyle lead the rest of the world to believe.

"Kai!" I hear myself scream his name, my voice strangled with my own tears.

He continues to stare at me as a small smile appears on his lips. How I would give anything to see that smile under any different circumstances. That's the first honest smile I think Kai has ever given me and it tears me to pieces. If I thought I loved him before, then I can't even describe the way that smile makes me feel. But now is not the time to be thinking about my love for him.

Or maybe it is? Maybe I _can_ be the one to save him. I asked earlier what there is that I could say in order to take away his pain. And now I know. I know now that there is only one simple phrase that needs to be uttered, one simple saying that could save his life.

"Kai!" I quickly kneel down and grab his wrists, pressing the towel that hung above his head on a rack to his bleeding limbs. "What are you doing?" I whisper, pouring all my love into each and every word.

He doesn't say anything, but I see a flicker of something in his eyes as one of his fingers twitch. Maybe I can get through to him if I keep trying.

"Please say something Kai. I'm not ashamed of you, I just want to help you."

When I tell him I want to help I see the intensity of heat rush back into his eyes, it seems he hasn't gotten past his pride issues, even as he sits here on the brink of death. He still doesn't say anything, but I can tell he's not too pleased with my offer to help. I know what I need to say next. 3 simple words, 8 letters long, all with one meaning

I force the sobs out of my throat as I firmly say these words, "I love you." I say it simply but strongly, filled with passion and no hint of deception. Kai is very good at picking up when people are lying, I know that I needed to make sure I was fully committed to what I was admitting.

I have been avoiding telling him how I feel for fear of how he will react, but none of that matters right now. The only thing that matters is that he knows I'm here for him. Whether he returns my feelings or not is not important, he just needs to know that somebody will never leave him and will always be by his side.

He still isn't speaking to me and I'm starting to get worried. His body has regained some color in it though, but he still isn't looking too well. The look on his face might have been comical if it wasn't for the serious atmosphere. He is staring at me with astonishment and disbelief, jeez, you'd think the guy had never had someone admit their love for him before. I'm aware that I'm male, but Kai has people of both sexes telling him on a regular basis that they love him and worship the ground he walks on.

I can see the life in him again, and I want to sigh in relief, but I know we're not out of the woods yet, he has lost a substantial amount of blood.

"I'm sorry Ray," he takes a pause before continuing. "Everyone dies."

I can't help it as my amber orbs snap up to meet his crimson ones. "Don't say that Kai, you're not going to die! You're not going to leave me, not now."

"I'm sorry." I can hear how weak his voice is and I can hear the internal struggle he is having with himself as he apologizes. At least he appears to be pretty stable as if he wasn't sitting in his own blood.

"Don't say you're sorry Kai, I don't blame you for anything. I'm not ashamed of you, you're strong and I respect you."

He stares at me with inquisitive eyes and I know he wasn't expecting that to come out of my mouth. He was expecting me to lash out at him and tell him just how worthless he is and how pathetic I think he is for taking the coward's way out.

"I'm sorry," is once again the only words he utters, but this time it sounds like he means it as he stares at the ground and the blood pooled around him and I both.

"Stop it," I firmly say as I grab his shoulders and force him to look at me. "You're going to be okay Kai. We're going to get through this because I'm never going to leave you. It doesn't matter to me if you don't return my feelings-"

"Ray-"

"No Kai, don't say anything, its okay, it really is. It isn't about being together or any of the messed up fantasies I have about the way it's supposed to end for us, it's only about you being okay and about you being able to have someone here for you. I want to be that someone Kai, you can count on me forever, and I'm never going to leave you alone. I don't want to watch you hurt yourself and talk about yourself the way you've been doing. You're so much more than you seem to think. You're such an amazing person. You're so strong and brave and you're such an inspiration to so many people. I promise on my life Kai, I will love you forever and I will never let you feel alone again."

I'm pretty embarrassed by my little speech, but I know it was something that Kai needed to hear. I could see a tint of pink on his cheeks when I once again stated my love for him. Ignoring everything else around us, I grab his body, pulling it against mine.

I could see that Kai was still losing blood, but it didn't appear to be at an alarming rate. Maybe I was overreacting a little bit at the amount that was on the floor. It was probably only a little bit more than when someone donates blood, and people recover from that, right? I remember Kai saying he couldn't donate blood because he always fainted though. Maybe that's why I panicked, he does look like he's ready to faint, but at least the amount of blood loss isn't as bad as I thought.

I just want to keep holding him, but I can tell that he feels awkward having someone comfort him. I release him and look up to the counter, his bandages are not present. Usually they sit on the countertop beside the sink until he is ready to bandage whatever part of his body he decided to hurt that day.

"Where are your bandages Kai?"

He looks away, disgust evident on his face before he quietly speaks. "I didn't plan on needing them."

I give him a disapproving look before taking off my bandana and tearing it in two, wrapping each half tightly around his wrists. "I guess this will just have to do for now."

He continues to stare at me and I'm the one left feeling awkward, I've never received this type of look from Kai before, but I wouldn't object to being on the receiving end of it more often. It caused me to blush and have to look away from him, I'm not too sure why, but Kai just has an intensity about him that always causes me to feel flustered.

I quickly picked him up off the floor, hearing a slight sound of protest but ignoring it as I walked out of the bathroom. We were both covered in blood, but we could deal with it in the morning. I put Kai on top of his bed and just stared at him. "Please stop Kai."

He didn't speak, but instead nodded his head. We both know he's lying though, he can't stop, he's addicted to the pain and to the rush that he gets with each new cut he inflicts upon himself. I'll make sure I never stand by and watch it happen again. I'll give him something to look forward to each day. I know things might get awkward from here on out, what with my confession and all, but I will do everything in my power to make sure he is happy.

He looks completely exhausted as he covers himself with the blanket. "любовь моя я тебя люблю тоже," are the Russian words that I hear him mutter as he drifts to sleep. I don't have a clue what he said, but he had a smile on his face so it's good enough for me.

I smile slightly as I head back to the bathroom. I need to clean up the blood before it dries. The guys would probably ask a few questions if they saw that our bathroom was stained with blood, and I don't think Kai is ready to tell this part of his life just yet.

I guess he was right, everyone does die, but I'm just happy I could prolong my one true loves death at least a little while longer.

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любовь моя я тебя люблю тоже – I love you too.

A/N- I hope you enjoyed it! Please review and let me know how you felt about it. I wrote it really late so there might be some errors, sorry about that.


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